FIC: Nothing Left to Lose, B/A, PG-15

[starlit_desires]

This is my very angsty contribution to the IWRY B/A marathon run by leni_ba

I decided to go with angst because after all what's B/A without the angst?

 

Title: Nothing Left To Lose 1/1

Author: Sweetness (aaronlisa@gmail.com)
Pairing: Buffy/Angel

Rating: PG-15

Disclaimer: It all belongs to Joss Whedon & Company.

Notes: Set post-Not Fade Away.

 

           
He had to admit that the setting was beautiful. He could see why she had wanted to set the new Watchers & Slayers cemetery there. The sun had just set before he had started to make his way to the marble marker that had just been put in place earlier that day. He sighed in grief as he read the words on it; they had decided to just have her name and her dates on it. Nothing about saving the world this time and he wondered if that had been because she wouldn’t have wanted it to say that. She had never thought that saving the world because it was her duty had made her more special than anyone else. As he sat down to wait, his mind ran through a series of memories. All of them with her at the center. Memories of nights when they had sat in one of Sunnydale’s many cemeteries wrapped in each other’s arms. All thoughts of demons and vampires and slayers temporarily forgotten as their worlds had narrowed down to one another. His lips curved into a smile as he remembered the sight of her fighting. And then a frown as he remembered a night when she had hit him to get him to drink her blood so that he would live. He had missed her every minute that he was away from her but in the end their paths had laid in different directions from one another’s. And although he had wanted to be with her, he knew that as every year that passed they grew further apart. They still loved each other and their passion for one another burned when they were together. But the realities of their situations became clearer as she grew older. He sighed and thought of the first time that he had seen her. It had been the day that she had found out that she was a Slayer, and he had been given a chance at redemption. A chance that he would have willingly thrown away if it meant that he could spend another minute in her arms.
            Being in her presence had burned him in a way that had surpassed any religious artifact or the sun. It had burned him to his soul and she would forever mark him. No one could ever take her place in his life and his heart. And he regretted the years that they had spent apart, but he knew it was useless to lie to himself and try to say that he could have made it work if he had stayed in Sunnydale. He knew that it had been impossible shortly after returning from Hell. Being with her always brought him to that dangerous place where he was a moment away from being truly happy and losing his soul. And he didn’t want to hurt again and again by having her fight his demon every time he had achieved true happiness. So he had left Sunnydale and they had gone their ways. Yet she was always there, underneath everything that he did. And now he was here, a place that he had never expected to be. When he had taken on the Senior Partners, he had been positive that he wouldn’t win the fight. He had been shocked when he had taken down a dragon and lived. And then a few months later he had gotten the call from Giles. Buffy had died. A fledgling vampire, one of his own clan, had killed her. Both he and Spike had known who was behind the attack, and they had raced to England to take care of the mess. Spike to deal with the vampire who had brought her down, as well as the vampire who had sired it. And he was left to deal with this particular mess. He grimaced as he watched the ground open up as the demon in her body forced her out of her coffin. When she finally stood up and looked around, he took in the changes that the demon had done to her body. She was paler than when he had last seen her and he wondered if it was the demon or if it was the fact that she was a Slayer that had taken away her tan.
“Angel?” She asked tentatively.
“Yeah,” he replied, not making a move.
“Angel, we could be together now forever.”
”Yeah we could,” Angel said as he stood up and removed his stake.
“Don’t you want that?” She asked as she eyed the stake nervously.
“I’d love to spend eternity with you,” he said.
“Then why don’t you put that away and kiss me?”
“Alright,” Angel put the stake away and moved towards her.
            Her lips were cold and hard as he kissed her. And he knew that it was only an illusion that she was really gone and it was just a demon with her memories standing before him. But the thought of having Willow curse her ran through his mind before it was rejected. He broke off the kiss and stepped back.
“See we could be together.”
”Yeah we could,” Angel said as he shoved the stake through her heart,” But we won’t because you aren’t her.”
            He watched as her body crumbled to dust before his eyes and he was unable to stop two tears from falling. Although he could tell himself that it wasn’t her and that cursing her with a soul would make things better, he knew that he had to stake her. She wouldn’t have wanted to be stuck as a vampire for the rest of eternity, unable to touch him or be to close to him. He sat back down, leaning against the marble marker. He didn’t want to go on but he could hear her voice telling him that he had to go on. That he had gone on once before and that he now had Connor to go on for. He could hear her voice as she told him that she loved and would always love him, and although he knew that her words were true. Part of him wanted to put down his weary head and wait for dawn. He was tired of fighting, and he didn’t know if he could do it without her. To be honest, he didn’t want to do it without her. The one thing that had kept him going in the past had been the knowledge that she was out there, fighting the same fight he was. And now she was gone, gone from this world. And he had no guarantees that he would ever meet up with her again. All he had left of her were memories of her, and they were slowly fading. He pulled himself up from the ground and started to make his way back to the main house. Perhaps being surrounded by the others would help him, at least if the others surrounded him he wouldn’t walk into the sun.

**END**

 

Comments

[lejlkwiet.livejournal.com]

OMG, I should have taken notice of the extreme angst warning! *hides handkerchief she had been wailing into*

Wow, really good fic! *starts sobbing again*

[starlit-desires.livejournal.com]

I am glad you liked it. I did put a warning though that it was very angsty!

[lejlkwiet.livejournal.com]

Yes, I know, totally my fault for not taking paying enough attention to it! But I'd have read the fic anyway, I love angst!

[chrisleeoctaves.livejournal.com]

That exchange in the cemetery...wah!

Funny how we so want them to be together and yet we can't resist torturing them just a little (or a lot).

You managed to capture the bleakness Angel must be feeling after losing Buffy very nicely here.

[starlit-desires.livejournal.com]

Thanks I am glad that you liked it.


And the scene in the cemetery had been in my head for a while. I basically wrote the fic around it.